I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize