is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ladies don't puke and tell
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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