how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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