If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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