Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
