another moral hangover. fuck.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
