There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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