She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize