All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
