Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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