tell your sister to shave her snatch
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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