I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize