I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
