Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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