Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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