nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
