omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize