Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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