Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
