so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
