If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
