I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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