I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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