Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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