i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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