I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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