Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
