just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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