my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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