Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize