I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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