I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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