She is in my trunk
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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