Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
