now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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