I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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