he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
