apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
