I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
