my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm just crazy horny about you
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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