is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Randomize
