Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
