So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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