I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
