she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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