I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think my moral compass just broke
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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