the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
