Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
