The maid of honor just puked.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
