we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize