life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
