she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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