Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
