I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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