I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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