I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
