So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize