Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
