He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
