I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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