I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
