I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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