I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Welp...herpes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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