Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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